The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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