Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize