What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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