just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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