I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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