Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
