Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize