you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
