i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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