Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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