Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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