I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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