i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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