Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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