i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
