I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
