I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's not a walk of shame if you run
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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