im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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