Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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