party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
