I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
