my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
