btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
