Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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