I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Randomize
