You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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