She is in my trunk
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Let's get the cat blown out
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
