I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
