The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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