I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
