it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
