first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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