The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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