What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
