The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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