The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
