cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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