Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
