I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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