I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
