I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
