we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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