May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
