6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Welp...herpes.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
