proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
