dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
