she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
