and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
