How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
