I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
