My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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