peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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