At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
