I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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