I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
