Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
