My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
