At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
