the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
